Do you feel?

I try to dive into emotions, pick them apart, figure out why we feel when we do.  I firmly believe that our most vivid experiences, the memories that haunt the decisions we make as adults happen between the ages of 13-17.  At 12 we’re still giant fifth graders who laugh hysterically at farts (now it’s more of just a giggle).  But at 13 or 14 we noticed him or her walking down the hallway and were certain that we were born to make him/her smile.  Call it hormones, call it puberty, the fact of the matter is that we placed emphasis on someone other than ourselves for once.  Sure, hair was growing in weird spots and the braces may have been awkward, but BOY did we FEEL.  And we lied about the bands we liked just so we could make out in the back of the movie theatre.  Our heartbreaks were shattering, the very end of the world as we dreaded the walk to our lockers the next day. 

And it all still matters today, or should matter because as we get older, we tend to think that our childish ways are something to be embarrassed about.  Suddenly age cripples us into thinking we are superior than the 14 year old boy who is absolutely certain he has picked out the perfect stuffed animal for his sweetheart.  The only difference is that he doesn’t have to worry about rent or a mortgage or insurance or a hard ass boss.  A lot of people at this point will say “well that little boy doesn’t know love, doesn’t know a relationship, a commitment, it’s just a crush.”  To that I say BULL SHIT.  That little boy has gone over how he’s going to give that stuffed animal in his mind a thousand times.  He has constructed their relationship in his head already; he’s scared about going for the kiss but wants to know what it feels like.  He knows the risk he runs of rejection and when the girl gets bored of the stuffed animal, that’ll be the end of them.  It’s the same damn thing that we go through only sped up and dramatically heightened due to their short attention spans and crazy interest in popularity.  What we don’t realize at that age is how vulnerable we are…at 14 or 15, we are the smartest people we know and no one else has ever experienced what we have.

The other day, I ended up having a conversation with my very close friend, Eva.  Her boyfriend is in the UK right now studying and she was explaining how hard it has been for her.  She fears she has become too attached to him because at night when she sleeps alone in her bed, a pressure suddenly appears in her chest, anxiety that is present because she has to endure another night in an empty bed.  She was ashamed that she had let herself fall in love, convinced that she was stupid.  As I listened like a good friend, I tried to convince her that there was absolutely nothing wrong with falling in love hard.  We’re not idiots for doing so as others so strongly believe.  How can we possibly expect someone to love us as much as we do if we are too scared to give in and FEEL.  Her counter argument to my seemingly hippie bohemian advice was that her mother was convinced that they both needed some distance. This got me thinking about how our mom’s and ultimately, we end up with these notions…

At the ages of 14 or 15 we voluntarily start to implement the gender roles that society has been drilling in us since day one.  Dad tells son to play football and be tough.  Mom tells daughter to be a ballerina and delicate.  This is the way it should be, right?  Somewhere along the road, it becomes engrained that women must be pursued.  Sleeping Beauty and Snow White were helpless without those kisses to wake them up.  Jasmine needed Alladin to save her from the crazy ass, Jafar. And this is all fine and dandy until we allow ourselves to be woo-ed, swept off our feet.  What happens after that?  I am completely in love with everything about you but I don’t know what to do now.  Please don’t hurt me, please don’t hurt me, please don’t hurt me!  Now all of a sudden, it’s frowned upon to depend on someone.  We shouldn’t need them, they should just be an accessory to something that is already perfect.  And mothers don’t want their daughters to need anyone so that they don’t get hurt.  But who loses out the most?  The one who keeps herself at a distance from a real relationship to always have the upper hand, or the one who gives herself completely to someone and ends up with a chunk of something that’s real…whether that’s pain or commitment.

I don’t pretend to know anything.  In fact, I’m still figuring things out as I go as well.  Most of this is just a giant test drive until we find what fits just right.  But as you start the day or get ready for bed, think about the way you used to feel when you were young, the way you didn’t care and just fell madly in love every chance you got.  We can still feel that, we just need to allow ourselves to.

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